by The House Of Cuckoos
Okay.... Here we go!
Peel the potatoes like you have never peeled them before! Like, ever! treat them like the naught vegetation they are!!!
Get a big ol’ pot of water boiling with some salt splashed in there from the box and not the shaker! Never!, Ever!, Ever, ever, ever, EVER from the shaker! DO YOU HEAR US??? ONLY that salt box! No salt cylinder...! It MUST be a box!!! Damn it!
Rinse the potatoes like a sexy, final bath before the slaughter and then gently cut into quarters, apologizing to the potato with each slice into its delicate, sacrificial starchy sacrifice! As you continue to mutilate the potatoes mercilessly and without remorse, remind yourself it’s all for a really good dinner to share with your friends & family!
Place said dissected and sliced potato corpses into the scalding hot boiling water...! And that boiling water MUST BE BOILING or the cursed starch of the haunted potatoes will coagulate and combine into one huge demonic spirit of all the potatoes sacrificed from past meals of decadent deliciousness and attack you with a sabre of vegan guilt! BOIL the life out of ‘em! Boil ‘em good, we say!!!
....uh, sorrry, what was that now? Oh yes, boil the potatoes...
We place a lid delicately upon the pot to help it boil faster... and BOIL it will!! BWAAA HA HA HA!!
...Oh, sorry, again! We digressed again! Anyways...
Stir the potato corpses gently in the scalding water and scrape the boiled starch appendages from the bottom of the deep BOILING vat of scalding hot water to which the little potatoes shall NEVER SURVIVE!!!! Mmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!
Poke vehemently with a jagged fork until the potato corpses float up soft or break apart into bloated, disgustingly mushy starchy chunks of dead plant material!
Drain the murdered potatoes of all water (and any decency of life at all) and place back into the hot pan out of sheer disrespect but utter indifference to the sacrifice of the vegetable that died for your hunger! (Unless it was a very mean potato, then justice might have prevailed... should we only eat bad potatoes then>?)!
Add stick of butter churned by suppressed teenagers in a religious cult at a factory south of the mid-west, but east of Texas, and taken from the milk stolen from an unsuspecting cow grazing in a field of industrial waste that the government “borrowed” from indigenous folks to dump toxins on but sold to a naive farmer who surprises the cows grazing on his “bought” land with seductive milking...! That’s actually the best tasting butter to use! And remember, 2 sticks of butter for a full 5 pound bag of those deliciously dead potatoes!
Now add a splash of milk, again taken from those gassy unsuspecting cows and prepare to beat it all at once!
Adjust your electric blender with ease and prepare to insert your big beater into the drained potato corpses! Start your blender on low, then medium.... then, with all the grace you can give, bring it up to HIGH SPEED! Beat with that surging beater! BEAT, BEAT, BEAT those terrible potatoes! Beat them mercilessly into the submission of deliciousness! Their parts will be chunky and so will the butter at first, but it melts with the ultimate death of the beaten and forgotten potatoes that lie whipped, yet fluffy, in a bowl of deep doom... until you ADD MORE BUTTER! The heat of the sacrificed potatoes within the pan of the forgotten flame will melt the unscrupulous butter of that poor cow that never knew what death she would be a part of! RIP dear yummy potatoes & cows...!
Then, splash more of that unsuspecting milk and BEAT, BEAT, BEAT, AGAIN and REPEAT until the flesh and muscle of the starch vegetation is smooth and consistent and looks like, well... MASHED POTATOES!!!
Add more boxed salt, stripped from the guts of the natural freshwater lakes that lie polluted with human filth, either as you get to the final whipping of the potatoes or after being served on the the plate (which is healthier)!
And now your MASHED POTATOES are complete and ready to eat!
ENJOY along side the corpse of a dead animal and loaf of murdered yeast!
2016©The House of Cuckoos, Inc.
Love's Afoot Below
(A Tale of Cleveland Passion)
by La'Chambre des'Coucous
Gordon Lee Sullivan is a lispy vagabond from the languid sleepy town of South St. Francisville, half past the Mason-Dixon line. Until one day he kept walking and never looked back. So now he leads a stagnant life as a shoe-less wanderer across America. However, all that changes when Gordon Lee books a summer holiday to Cleveland, the city of cracked road romance.
At first Gordon Lee finds Cleveland very dusty, flaccid, slightly drunken... but then there's the mysterious, lusty man-handler, Tamara Salotto, the first woman to ever make his soul feel like he's in gym class all over again.
When salty Tamara invites him on a Curling expedition, Gordon Lee begins to realize that Tamara is a deeply husky and tenacious woman with a passion for shoe-wearing sky sports and a thirst for cactus juice.
Gordon Lee knows in his shoe-less heart that Tamara is the woman for him. However, to secure his happiness, Gordon Lee must fend off the randy rind rimmer, Velocity Boy, who wants to get his claws into Tamara, his student from the teddy-bear mending community college class he conducted years ago.
Using his yellowed toenails and a mutual love of ice cream, Gordon Lee sets out to snare Tamara once and for all. But will the lusty man-handler return this vagabond's affections? Or will she finally relent to rim-loving passion of her previous professor velocity Boy? Only Gordon Lee Sullivan will know if his callouses run deep enough.
Praise for 'Love's Afoot Below':
"Sizzling hot. I wish some wandering mysterious, lusty shoe-less vagabond would fall into my life."
- Tanya Tampex, Daily Blog Annoyance
"The dullest summer story ever written.
How would yellowed toenails and a mutual love of ice cream attract anybody?"
- Cy Nyical, World Shoes News Report
"I'm going to rush out and book a Curling expedition tomorrow. What an inspiring tale of greasy love."
- Joy Ennpane, Submissive Minds Digest
"I once went to 'romantic' Cleveland on holiday once but I didn't find it flaccid or drunken.
Gordon Lee's adventure, however, has changed all that for me."
- Unimpressed New Yorker
(except: The House of Cuckoos, La'Chambre des'Coucous,
Urban Hippie Brownie Cat, Antonio Luciferi, Lenny Crambag, Tamara Salotto':@The House of Cuckoos, Inc.)
A Cuckoos Party!
The floor is a wreck!
The door is ajar
And we're late with the rent!
The party ran late,
But at least we can say
we got carried away
In our fun magic way
That's hurting today!
...and someone got laid.
Just not us...
At once he thought twice
About three sandwiches at half the price,
Five dollars to foot the bill,
Four pickle slices balanced the meal,
But his sixth sense warned him
That the seventh french fry was doom!
But he still eight all the food!
By nine did his stomach gurgle
For ten minutes until it was eleven
At nite he found a restroom
It was the Twelve-Hour Inn
And out went the time he spent,
Half the price for double the time
In pain from the sandwiches!
Whaddya gonna do?
Whilst investigating the death of a local janitor,
a groovy stripper-pole cleaner called Antonio Luciferi uncovers a legend about a
supernaturally-cursed, rotund toenail circulating throughout Cleveland. As soon as anyone uses the toenail, he or she has exactly 32 1/3 days left to live.
The doomed few appear to be ordinary people during day to day life, but when photographed, they look gassy. ...And a marked person feels like a wet koala to the touch!
Antonio gets hold of the toenail, refusing to believe the superstition. A collage of images flash into his mind: a fuzzy monkey balancing on a pervy janitor, an old newspaper headline about a topless marathon accident, a hooded hamster ranting about buttocks and a drinking chair located in a sweaty place.
When Antonio notices his lips have koala-like properties, he realizes that the curse of the rotund toenail is true and calls in his testicle masseuse, a psychic called Urban Hippie, to help.
Urban examines the toenail and willingly submits himself to the curse. He finds that the same visions flash before his eyes. He finds the fuzzy monkey balancing on a pervy janitor particularly chilling. He joins the queue for a supernatural death.
Antonio and Urban pursue a quest to uncover the meaning of the visions, starting with a search for the hooded hamster. Will they be able to stop the curse before their time is up...?!!?
Praise for "The Curse"I will never look at another rotund toenail for as long as I live."
- The Daily Tale
"Oh please! There's nothing scary about a fuzzy monkey balancing on a pervy janitor. Are we supposed to feel spooked?"
- Enid Kibbler
"The hooded hamster really freaked me out."
- Hit the Spoof
"I hope Antonio and Urban get married."
- Zob Gloop
(except: The House of Cuckoos, La'Chambre des'Coucous,
Urban Hippie Brownie Cat, Antonio Luciferi':@The House of Cuckoos, Inc.)
The Porn-Star Tickling Werewolf
A Screenplay by
INT. CLEVELAND - AFTERNOON2015©TheHouseofCuckoos, Inc.
Studious nipple-polisher LORD URBAN HIPPIE is arguing with smelly finger-dancer MADEMOISELLE DENISE KEESE. URBAN tries to hug DENISE but she shakes him off.
Please Denise, don't leave me.
I'm sorry Urban, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
DENISE (frowns) I'm sorry, Urban. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
URBAN sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, dry-skinned performance-enhancement artist PROFESSOR LENNY CRAMBAG barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Lenny! Is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah.. I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a werewolf ... I saw an evil werewolf tickle a bunch of porn-stars! Yeah, yeah, yeah...!
Yes, Yeah, yeah, yeah, defenseless porn-stars!
Bloody hell, Lenny! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start. Yeah, yeah, yeahhh.....
You can start by telling me where this happened.
LENNY (fans himself and begins to wheeze) Yeah, yeah, yeah....
Focus Lenny, focus! Where did it happen?
Bellesphuque! That's right - Bellesphuque, Ohio.... Yeah, yeah!
URBAN springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
URBAN rushes along the street, followed by LENNY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. BELLESPHUQUE - SHORTLY AFTER
ANTONIO LUCIFERI a devilish werewolf terrorises two porn-stars.
URBAN, closely followed by LENNY, rushes towards ANTONIO, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
What is it, yeah, yeah, yeah? What's the matter?
That's not just any old werewolf, that's Dr. Antonio Luciferi!
Yeah, yeah... Who's Dr. Antonio Luciferi?
Who's Antonio Luciferi? Who's DOCTOR Antonio Luciferi? Only the most devilish disco werewolf in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Urban! We're going to need some help yeah, yeah, yeah, if we're going to stop the most devilish disco werewolf in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Urban! We're going to need some help yeah, yeah, yeah, if we're going to stop the most devilish disco werewolf in the universe! Yeah, yeah, yeah...
I'm going to need toenails, lots of toenails.
Antonio turns and sees Urban and Lenny. He grins an evil grin.
Urban Hippie, we meet again.
You've met? Yeah, yeah...
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young URBAN is sitting in a park listening to some yodeling music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees ANTONIO. He takes off his headphones.
Would you like some cold toast?
URBAN's eyes light up, but then he studies ANTONIO more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of gassy and devilish.
Me? No. I'm not devilish. I'm the least devilish werewolf in the world. A little gassy too, but we're outside.
Wait... you're a werewolf?
URBAN runs away, screaming.
EXT. BELLESPHUQUE - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To URBAN) You ran away? Yeah, yeah, yeah...? Ran, Ran away? Yeah, yeah...
(To LENNY) I was a young adult who just stopped believing in Santa Claus and gravity. What was I supposed to do?
URBAN turns to ANTONIO.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
URBAN runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with TOENAILS!!!
I'm not scared of you!!!
You should be.. You WILL be!
EXT. ADELAIDE - LATER THAT DAY
URBAN and LENNY walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my toenails somewhere around here....
Are you sure, yeah, yeah, yeah...? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly toenails.
You know nothing Professor Lenny Crambag.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here. Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Suddenly, ANTONIO appears, holding a pair of toenails.
Looking for something?
Holy testile-piercings, Urban, he's got your toenails, yeah, yeah, yeah...!!!!
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km. Yeah, yeah, yeah...
I know THAT already!
(sobbing) I'm afraid of being berated by a teddy bear!. Yeah, yeah, yeah...Yeah, yeah, yeah...
(appalled) Dude! Did you just break wind when you said that?
While ANTONIO is looking at LENNY with disgust, URBAN lunges forward and grabs his deadly toenails. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you devilish prickly parsnip of a canine!
No please! All I did was tickle a bunch of naked homeless porn-stars!
DENISE enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those homeless porn-stars were naked and defenseless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Urban Hippie! Defender of ALL innocent naked porn-stars!
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these toenails in your eye right away!
Because Urban..... I am your brother... from another mother!
URBAN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
No you're not! ...You don't carry the potato mole upon your penis, do you???
Eww! NO! ...Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
ANTONIO tries to grab the toenails but URBAN dodges out of the way.
Who's the toenail master now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, ANTONIO slumps to the ground.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...Uhh... did he just faint? ...that's it???
I think so. Err, well... Huh, that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly mouth-bitten toenails in a viceral attack of bloody consequences!
URBAN crouches over ANTONIO's body.
Be careful, Urban, yeah, yeah.... It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Antonio the WEREWOLF is dead!
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death with my onion and garlic tinged breath which shocked him long enough for my toenail to enter his eye.
LENNY claps his hands.
So your toenails did save the day, after all. Yeah, yeah, yeah...
DENISE steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the devilish werewolf?
Denise how long have you been...?
DENISE puts her arm around URBAN.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Doctor Antonio Luciferi, the real werewolf all this time.
Then the naked porn-stars are safe? Safe to be naked and homeless... in peace?
It does seem that way!
(A crowd of vulnerable sweaty porn-stars enter, completely nude, looking relived yet really really horny.)
You are their hero!!!
The porn-stars bow to URBAN.
There is no need to blow me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Antonio Luciferi will never tickle innocent naked homeless porn-stars ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the naked porn-stars passes URBAN a sticky porno-mag
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Well, if you insist.
URBAN takes the porno-mag and peels it loudly from the porn-star's hand..
The porn-stars bow their heads once more, stroke themselves, and leave.
URBAN turns to DENISE.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Urban, of course I want you back!
URBAN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me!
You had no faith in me. You had to see me scare a werewolf to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Lenny Crambag.
LENNY (grins) Yeah, yeah, yeah...
DENISE (stands in shock)
You heard the gentleman, yeah, yeah, yeah.... Now be off with you. Skabiddle! Shoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah...!
I'm sorry Denise, but I think you should skabiddle.
LENNY turns to URBAN.
Did you mean that? Yeah, yeah... You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly LENNY stops.
When I said I'm afraid of being berated by a teddy bear, yeah, yeah... you know I was just trying to distract the werewolf don't you? Yeah, yeah...
LENNY (turns to audience/camera and reveals HE is ANTONIO LUCIFERI in disguise!)
(except: The House of Cuckoos, La'Chambre des'Coucous,
Urban Hippie Brownie Cat, Antonio Luciferi, Denise Keese':@The House of Cuckoos, Inc.)